How to Talk to Kids About Sex: Catholic Parenting

Who’s teaching your children about sex—you or the culture?

In today’s hypersexualized world, Catholic parents can no longer afford to stay silent. Children are being exposed to distorted messages about love, gender, and sexuality at younger and younger ages—from social media, peers, and even in school. If you’re not having the conversation, someone else will.

On this episode of Living a Culture of Life, Colleen sits down with Catholic writer and editor Susan Ciancio to offer parents a clear, faithful, and practical guide for how to talk to kids about sex—starting from toddlerhood and continuing through the teen years.

What you’ll learn in this episode:
✅ How to talk to kids about sex in age-appropriate ways
✅ When to introduce concepts like modesty, puberty, and chastity
✅ Why parents should model Catholic teaching on love and respect
✅ How to protect your children from pornography and online dangers
✅ Why open communication builds trust—and how to foster it
✅ The difference between love and lust from a Catholic perspective

Susan shares wisdom on raising boys and girls with confidence, dignity, and faith. She also gives powerful advice on how to navigate emotional changes, build communication, and teach kids to value their identity as sons and daughters of God.

📖 Read Susan’s article on how to talk to kids about sex here: Healthy Sex Education for Catholic Families: How Do I Teach My Child about Sex and Chastity? | Human Life International

Transcript:

Colleen: Hello, and welcome back to Living a Culture of Life podcast by Human Life International. I’m your host, Colleen, and I am very excited to share today’s episode with you.

We’ve talked before on this show about how parents are responsible for their children’s sex education. Today, I interview Susan Ciancio about how to talk to kids about sex and chastity. Susan is a professional editor and writer, and she’s written a number of articles for HLI, especially on Catholic parenting. Recently, she wrote an article on this topic for us, and as soon as I read it, I knew I wanted to have her on the show to discuss it further. The article is super helpful—I’ll link it in the show notes, so definitely go check it out.

In today’s episode, Susan discusses why it isn’t just about one big “sex talk,” but rather a conversation that starts when your children are small and continues all the way through the teenage years. Before we begin the episode on how to talk to kids about sex and Catholic parenting, I just wanted to share a personal observation I had while preparing for this conversation, which really lays the groundwork for why it’s so important:

As I was preparing to speak with Susan, I polled a number of young adults in their 20s and 30s who grew up all over the country—but all in cradle Catholic, or at least cradle Christian, conservative homes—and I asked them how they first heard about sex. One thing was glaringly obvious from these conversations: either their parents never told them about sex, or they only had one or two awkward “sex talks” with their parents. Most of them found out the majority of what they knew about sex from the secular culture.

These conversations really got me thinking about what happens when Catholic parents aren’t prepared to share God’s beautiful plan for conjugal love with their children. Either teenagers risk going the way of the culture—they think sex is just for pleasure and may fall into hookup culture or engage in casual sex—or (and this is probably more pertinent to faithful Catholic) they risk thinking that sex is somehow dirty and sinful.

So I really hope this conversation is helpful to any parents out there who want to share God’s beautiful plan for conjugal love with their children. It’s really important for Catholic parenting that you know how to talk to kids about sex. Without further ado, please welcome Susan Ciancio to Living a Culture of Life. Welcome to the podcast, Susan.

Susan Ciancio: Hi. Thank you for having me, Colleen.

Colleen: Thank you for being on the show. I’m really excited today because we’re going to talk about a Catholic parenting resource article that you wrote for us about how to talk to kids about sex. What do you think are some common challenges that parents run into when they’re broaching the topic—discussing sex and sexuality with their children?

Susan Ciancio: I think that a lot of them don’t even know where to start. Like you said, they don’t have that background. They don’t know what to say. They don’t know the right thing to say. Maybe they’re afraid of what some of the questions will be and whether or not they can answer them properly or according to Church teaching. And I think they just kind of flounder and don’t really know even how to broach the topic.

And, you know, I’ve had a lot of parents tell me, “Well, you know, if we don’t mention it, maybe it won’t come up, and there won’t be a problem, and I won’t have to deal with it.” Now, that’s not really the way to deal with it, because if you don’t talk to your kids, other people are going to. They’re going to look on the internet, their friends are going to tell them, and they’re going to get a very skewed reality of what love is and what relationships should be.

Colleen: Yeah. And it’s not just that they’re going to go the way of the culture, per se, but I also have seen people who are cradle Catholics who learn about sex from the culture, and then they think it’s just bad. Like, sexuality is something that people who do hookups do, and they don’t understand the beauty of God’s plan for sexuality—of how it’s this beautiful thing within marriage. They just kind of see it all as dirty. So it can kind of go both directions.

Susan Ciancio: Exactly. And they think that that’s what their parents will want them to believe, and so they stay away from it—or they go the opposite way and think that it’s just something for pleasure. They don’t understand authentic love and the love that they could feel within a marriage and with somebody who cares so deeply for them that they want to give their whole self to them. And that’s truly such a beautiful thing. That’s what we want to impart to our children—that this is out there, that this is a reachable goal, and that’s what we want for our children.

How to Talk to Kids About Sex: Laying the Fountation

Colleen: Yeah. Exactly. One thing that struck me about your article is that you were saying that Catholic sex education isn’t just like the one big “sex talk.” It’s something where the foundation should be laid since kids are young. Why is that important?

Susan Ciancio: Well, it’s important because kids need to know that their bodies are beautiful—that their sexuality is beautiful—even before they know it as sexuality, you know? So, boys need to understand that being a boy is a good thing and that there are special things that go along with being a boy. Girls need to know that as well. They need to know that they’re unique.

And so, you can start Catholic sex education by telling them how wonderful God made them and how beautiful their bodies are. Because when you lay that foundation, then they have that sense of self, and they know they feel loved. And they start to love themselves, and they can know what’s best for them and want to find somebody who also wants what’s best for them.

Colleen: Yeah. So, where should parents start with this Catholic sex education? Like, at what age should they start talking about just the foundational topics? What suggestions would you have for children—like pre-puberty?

Susan Ciancio: Well, I would say from the time they’re toddlers and they can understand, you can start to tell them. You know, even a one-year-old can understand, “Hey, you’re a little boy. God made you a boy, and you’re such a beautiful little boy.”

And here are some differences: “You’re a boy just like Daddy is,” or, “You’re a little girl just like Mommy is.” And here are some wonderful things that women can do and that men can do. So really just laying that foundation.

And then, as they get older, you can talk about more things that are sex-specific. But also, you want to help them love their individuality. You don’t want to fall into those categories where boys only play with trucks or boys only like football, and girls have to play with dolls.

When I was growing up, I was a tomboy. I didn’t like dolls. I loved playing sports. I loved going out with my neighbors and throwing the football around, and I loved watching football—and I still do! So they called me a tomboy, and nobody ever said, “Well, maybe you should be a boy.” That just never occurred to anybody at that point. It was just, “Hey, this is what you like.”

So we want kids to be comfortable with their identity as a child of God, who has unique abilities and specific likes and dislikes. Because that’s how they’re going to get to be comfortable with themselves and love themselves—so that they can be loved by somebody else.

Colleen: Yeah, exactly. This is a little bit more of a specific question, but I’ve heard different takes on this. Do you think it’s important to use anatomically correct language when you’re teaching young kids the difference between boys and girls, or does that not really matter?

Susan Ciancio: I did, and I think it is, because—I don’t know—I just never really liked, you know, strange terms for the different parts of the anatomy. They might as well learn from the time they’re small, because otherwise they may get the idea that those parts are dirty, or that they shouldn’t talk about them, or that there’s something wrong with it.

You know, if you have to call it by a different name, what’s wrong with the real name? So you don’t want to impart that kind of attitude. But you also want to talk to them about modesty—so that, you know, you don’t have a little boy running around in public screaming out different names! Because that could be embarrassing. But you want them to know their body and to be comfortable with their body.

Colleen: Yeah, that was kind of the impression I had. I just was curious to hear your take on that, since I’ve heard different parents have different discussions about it.

How can you teach young kids about the concept of love in an appropriate way?

Susan Ciancio: Well, I think—you know—you show them love. And you talk about how you feel about them. You never feel afraid to tell kids, “I love you. You are amazing. You are a wonderful person.”

And here are some things that I do because I love you: I take care of you. I clothe you. Love requires action. And you want to make sure that kids understand that, because love is not just a feeling.

Sometimes, as they get older, they’ll think, “Oh, love is just this mushy feeling,” and they’ll see that on TV and in social media and stuff like that. But you want them to know that love is an action—and that it requires a lot of work sometimes. And so, you don’t want your kids to feel bad and say, “Mommy’s making dinner for you tonight because I love you.” You don’t want them to feel like it’s an obligation—you want them to understand that it’s an act of love.

But you have those conversations, and then you help them do things for others out of love. Maybe a sibling is sick, and the other sibling can help make them some soup or take care of them somehow. Just teach them how to do small acts of love for others—to show that they care, and to show that they’re valuable

Colleen: Yeah, that’s beautiful. And I like that you were saying—like when you get older, the language the world uses is that love is just this emotional feeling, this emotional high. And just being able to teach kids that there is a feeling part of love, but it needs to be carried out in action—and that the two go together.

Susan Ciancio: Exactly.

Colleen: How can you teach kids about respect?

Susan Ciancio: You have to show respect—especially within your marriage. And I think that’s so important for a husband and wife to give that example, so that a boy can know how to treat his wife someday, and a girl can know how she should be treated by her husband.

And you show kids respect, too. You’re not just a dictator in your house. You ask your kids’ opinions about things, and you show that you value their opinion—but that the choices you make for them, when you have to make those choices, are for their best interests.

So you teach respect by modeling it in all your relationships. For example, I had a friend who used to make dinners for her kids but would never ask their input. Well, I mean, everybody has likes and dislikes. If you were going out to dinner with a friend, you’d say, “Hey, what do you feel like tonight?” So, why wouldn’t you give that same respect to your children?

Ask them, “What would you like for dinner this week?” or, “What would you like to do this weekend?” Yes, we have to do X, Y, and Z—because you’re part of a family—but I think kids should have input into all sorts of different kinds of family life. That’s important. That makes them feel valued, and that teaches them respect.

They think, Mom and Dad respect me, so I can respect them as well.

Colleen: Yeah. No, that makes a lot of sense. I think in your article, you had put this under the puberty section, but you were talking about appropriate touching and inappropriate touching. Do you think there’s a place for that when children are really young, to help protect them? Or is that something that should be reserved more for when they get older?

Susan Ciancio: I think it depends on your child and how mature they are, and it also depends on where your children are physically as well.

For instance, I homeschooled my kids. They weren’t ever in daycare, so I didn’t really need to bring those topics up when they were three and four years old—because they weren’t really out of my sight. They were with family if we went out or anything.

But I think it just depends on your child. And it certainly is okay to say something like—if you’re helping them go to the bathroom or something, potty training or changing clothes—you can just say something that doesn’t scare them but is more like, “Hey, these are the areas where a bathing suit would cover up. These are areas that nobody should touch. Only a doctor should look at them with Mommy or Daddy in the room. Or Mommy and Daddy can help you in the bathroom, but if anybody else wants to touch you or see you there, you say no and you tell Mommy and Daddy.”

And it may go over their heads, but it’s important for kids to understand—without being scared—that there are people out there who might hurt them.

Colleen: Yeah. And also to encourage the children to say something if something were to happen. Because you wouldn’t want something to happen to them and not know about it. So just preemptively, like—you can talk about these topics with Mom and Dad.

Susan Ciancio: Exactly. Exactly. Yeah. You want to keep the lines of communication open because you never want a child to feel scared or feel that they did something wrong if an adult does do something to them.

Colleen: Are there other things you can do at that age to help keep those lines of communication open that, like, are broader than just talking about sexuality? Like, just in general?

Susan Ciancio: I think talking to your kids about your own feelings really helps, because then they see you as human and they can relate, and they don’t think, “Hey, these are things that I’m the only one who’s experiencing.” You know, other people are experiencing these things. Mom and Dad went through this. Maybe what I’m experiencing is normal.

Because kids often can internalize things and think that they’re the only one in the world who’s going through this. Especially now, with the prevalence of social media—there are so many happy posts and positive posts out there where people put the best of them online, but they don’t really see the reality. And so all kids are seeing is, “Hey, all these lives are perfect,” when life isn’t perfect.

So if you start by telling the truth to your kids—telling them stories, like, “Here’s something that happened to me when I was younger, and here’s how I got through it”—kids can understand that, and they can relate to that.

And I think asking them questions too, and making sure that they know that you value their thoughts and opinions and what’s going on at school, or with their friend group, or in sports and things like that. Helping them not to think that it’s prying, but because you’re genuinely interested and because you’re guiding them.

So, asking them how their day was—not just being general, but being specific. Like, “What did you and your friends do today at recess?” “What did you talk about?” “What are some of the things going on?” “How does your teacher talk to you?” “What does she say in class?” Those are all things that parents have to know.

Colleen: Yeah. No, that’s really good—really good advice. Do you have any other, like, topics that you think it’s important for parents to discuss with their kids in the pre-puberty time frame for Catholic sex education, that set them up for having a good foundation for talking about it later on?

Susan Ciancio: Well, I think just helping them understand how their body works, and that there are changes that are going to be happening during puberty, is important—because some kids may not know.

I mean, if you never hide the fact that menstruation exists for women—if your daughter never knows that, and suddenly she’s 9 or 10 years old and it happens and she’s at school, and she’s like, “What’s happening?”—you just don’t want that. Because then she loses some trust in you, I think. She thinks, “Mom never told me about this. How could I go all my life without knowing?”

So, bringing up different changes that are going to happen—you can do that pretty easily. Just talking about things you have to buy at the store, or saying, “Hey, these are the changes that are going to happen in your body.” Like, “Boys, your voice is going to get deeper, you’re going to start growing hair on your legs and in other places.” And, “Girls, this is going to happen—your breasts are going to get bigger.”

And never make them feel ashamed about it. Just: this is a fact of life. You’re a beautiful woman, and this is how a woman matures. You’re a beautiful young man, and this is how a man matures. And that’s okay.

And then tell them, “If you ever have any questions, or if something seems odd, or if there’s anything you think I should see, then let me know.” And tell them that you’re happy to talk more about it.

Colleen: Yeah. Do you think that there’s a place in Catholic sex education for helping kids—and like, how would you help kids, especially girls—navigate the emotional changes that come with puberty?

Susan Ciancio: I think keeping lines of communication open and not being reactive is key. Girls can be very emotional and, you know, maybe snap at you. And it might be a parent’s reaction to snap back or to say, “Don’t talk to me like that.” But there’s probably an underlying reason for it.

So, you can say, “You don’t talk to me disrespectfully, but I see that you’re not acting like yourself. How about we have a conversation about what’s going on? Can you tell me what you’re feeling? Can you tell me if something happened at school?” Something along those lines—where you don’t allow bad behavior, but at the same time, your child knows, Hey, Mom’s got my back. I’m going through this and I don’t even know how to explain it, but I know she’s there for me.

Colleen: Yeah, that makes sense. I was just thinking because almost every girl I knew growing up hit puberty, and then it was like anxiety or depression. They just started having really intense emotions. And I remember the first time I experienced really bad anxiety—I didn’t know what it was. I was just like, “Oh my gosh, I’m super worried about this and can’t stop thinking about it.” And it was only looking back later that I was like, “Oh, I think that was hormonal. I think that was part of puberty.”

Susan Ciancio: Yeah. And so, you know, it’s good for parents to tell their kids too, “Hey, you’re going to be experiencing these things—not just on the outside of your body, but also on the inside.”

You might feel strange. You might feel anxious or upset. Things may affect you differently. You may not know how to feel or what to say. And just tell them that that’s normal, and here are some ways to deal with anxious feelings. You know—here are some breathing exercises, or just some tools to help them get through it.

Because you don’t want them to be stuck in that anxiety. You also don’t want them to fall back into the mindset of, “Well, I’m just an anxious person,” and then not even try to improve or overcome it. Everybody has anxious feelings about something. I mean, life is full of uncertainty, and you want to make sure that kids know how to deal with it—not get stuck in it.

Catholic Sex Education: When to Have “The Talk” With Kids

Colleen: Yeah, exactly. Do you think that puberty is the right time to kind of have the sex talk—where you actually tell kids what sex is? Is that an appropriate time frame?

Susan Ciancio: That seems to be, yeah. Kids around that age are mature enough to at least get the rudimentary ideas of what sex is. And of course, it all depends on your child—what they’ve been exposed to, their maturity level, and all that.

But you don’t want to go into too much detail right away, because that’s something that can come a year or two—or even three—later, just depending on your child. But you do want to make sure kids understand what their bodies are for in a sexual sense and what sex is. Because they’re going to hear about it from their peers—that’s just a fact of life for any kid in school these days.

So, you want to make sure they hear it from you. Because that’s where they’re going to hear it correctly, and that’s when they’re going to hear about authentic love, and about chastity, and about waiting until they’re married. Because you’re the one who cares about them. You’re the one who cares about the people who are going to be with them—whether they treat them well or don’t.

Their peers aren’t going to care. Their peers are just going to think, “Hey, this is one more conquest.” But parents are the ones who need to be there and preemptively talk—before their peers do.

Colleen: For Catholic sex education, do you have any advice for parents on how to communicate the beauty of sexuality, and how it reflects the Trinity—just that very Catholic view of it?

Susan Ciancio: If you’ve started to talk about the Holy Family from the time your kids are small, they’ll already have that foundation. So you can talk about the love between Joseph and Mary, and hopefully, the love they see between Mom and Dad. You can say things like, “We love each other very much, and this is how we express our love.”

Then you talk about the two ends of marriage—how you can create this beautiful life—and hold them up to an example: We created you. This is what our love made. You start by expressing those things when they’re in puberty, and then you can talk a little more as they get older. But the key is making sure they understand that love is unique to a man and a woman, and that it should be expressed within a marriage.

Colleen: Yeah. Do you have any advice for parents who are just really uncomfortable with the idea of having the sex talk with their kids at all? Like, how can they prepare themselves so that their children aren’t uncomfortable either?

Susan Ciancio: I mean, I think they can prepare—but sometimes you prepare, and then the kid says something, and everything you planned goes out the window. You forget things, you get flustered. I think it’s good to have an idea of what to say.

And honestly, I’ve watched a lot of Jason Evert’s videos, and he’s great. So I would recommend watching some of his content, because he has great ways of explaining how to talk to kids about sex. I’d also read his books. I’d say: make sure you understand Catholic teaching—and understand the why behind what the Church teaches about sexuality. Then just sit down and talk to your kids.

If you’ve built that foundation, they’ll already have kind of an idea of what you’re about to say. It’s not going to come out of the blue. They’ll already know they have certain body parts, and this will be like one more puzzle piece that fits together for them. I think it will make more sense than if you’d never laid any foundation at all.

But at the same time, it can be super awkward. It can be really hard. I know parents can be really nervous. Maybe do it over ice cream—or have a one-on-one conversation in a place where the kids don’t feel ambushed. Not that that’s quite the right word, but don’t just walk into their room and say, “Honey, we have to talk now.”

Go for something fun and casual—just one-on-one. Start it off in a light, affirming way: “Hey, you’re getting older, and I’m so proud of you. I like the decisions you’ve made, and you’re such a beautiful person. I want others to treat you well. And because you’re growing up, there are some things I want you to understand.” So it’s not the typical “kid sitting in bed, mom walks in the room going, ‘So… we have to talk.’” It’s more gentle. It’s more connected. And it’s rooted in love.

Colleen: Yeah. Do you think it’s generally best to have that be like a mother-daughter, father-son conversation, or does it matter in Catholic sex education?

Susan Ciancio: It’s hard to say. I think that both should talk to each of the kids one-on-one because each person has a different perspective. I think it just depends on the child. You know, if the father wants to talk to the boy first, if the mother wants to talk to the daughter first, but then the father really should talk to the daughter, the mother should talk to the son, and they should bring up their spouse, you know, and say, “Here’s what dad does for me. Here’s how he loves me. Here’s how mom loves me. This is what I want for you because I love you so much. This is the kind of relationship I want when you grow up. I don’t want to see you going from relationship to relationship, and I don’t want to see you hurt.”

Obviously, people are going to get hurt. People are going to date and break up, and you can even use examples. You know, back when I was in college, I dated somebody, blah blah blah, and we broke up. You could even give some details. “I broke up because I didn’t want to marry this person.” Or, “I broke up because this person hurt me.” Then they will know mom got hurt. “Okay, well, how did mom get over that?” And then they can understand, “Hey, I’m not the only one,” and mom’s being vulnerable with me. So, you know, when I date somebody and he breaks up with me, I can go to mom because she understands.

Yeah, again, that open communication and being able to talk about those topics freely in other areas can help pave the way for this.

Colleen: How can you talk to kids about chastity? I think it kind of just follows off of what we’re already talking about, but is there anything specific about that topic you think parents should communicate for Catholic sex education?

Susan Ciancio: Well, I think again, they need to live it and exhibit it. And when they use the word chastity, they can teach kids, you know, “Hey, this does not mean abstinence.” Chastity within a marriage is something, you know, dad and I practice or mom and I practice. Chastity means loving and respecting our bodies and the other person’s body and not doing things that will jeopardize our marriage or the foundation of our relationship.

That means not looking at pornography. That means not gawking at other men or women. That means not making lewd jokes or looking at inappropriate material — things like that. And they need to see that the parents are also practicing chastity, that it’s a good thing, and that it’s leading to a stable, loving marriage so that they can have a stable, loving family.

Colleen: Yeah. How can you help kids understand the difference between love and lust?

Susan Ciancio: Well, as kids get older and they’re in adolescence and hitting puberty, they’re going to feel attracted generally to the opposite sex. And I think you just need to give them the definitions.

Love is a feeling, and it’s also an action. Lust is when you want to use somebody for your gratification. You don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t truly want you. You want to be with somebody who loves you enough to say, “I want what’s best for you.”

And what’s best for you isn’t a one-night stand or a three-week relationship that’s based only on sex. Love is based on mutual respect and understanding, that you want to get that person to heaven.

Colleen: Mhm. Yeah. That makes me think of, I think it’s Yours, Mine, and Ours, where the daughter is in this relationship with this guy that just wants to have sex with her, and the dad’s helping the really pregnant mom out to the car. It’s just like, this is what love is—like it’s the sacrifices, it’s doing this day by day. And I know it was just one of those things I remember appreciating as a teenager—like, oh yeah, I like that they put that in that movie because it’s a good representation of the sacrifice but also just the new life and the love that happens there.

Susan Ciancio: Yeah, I remember seeing a post many, many years ago. A single mom had written she had two girls, and they both had the flu and she had the flu, and she was dating a guy. I guess he had called one night and she said, “Oh, they’re so sick. They’re throwing up. I’m throwing up.” And he said, “I’ll be right there.” And she was like, “No, you don’t have to. They’re not your kids.” And he was like, “This is the life I want. This is—I want you.” So he came over and helped and cleaned up everything, and he exhibited that love. And that’s love—that action.

Colleen: As kids hit puberty and are going into their teenage years, they have crushes. What advice would you have for parents about being able to talk about that experience with their kids and then also keep those open communication pathways? Because, I know that’s one of those things where different people experience crushes different ways, and sometimes kids want to talk, other times they’re like, “I don’t want to talk about that with my parents.” Like, how can you just delve into that topic with them?

Susan Ciancio: I mean, I think knowing what’s going on in your children’s lives is important and knowing the other kids in your kids’ classes is important so that when you say, you know, “What did you do in school today?” or they’re being a little bit coy or they mention a boy’s name or a girl’s name, you can ask a few more questions that kind of give you an idea, and maybe there’s some feelings there. Then you just talk to them about it.

You know, “How do you feel about Jimmy?” “Well, I think he’s cute.” “Okay. Well, what makes you think he’s cute? What does he do that you like about him?” And try to help them see the different things they need to look for in a person who would be good for them and how they could be good for that person as well.

So, keeping those lines of communication open and helping them see, “Well, Jimmy’s a good guy. He does nice things. He helps me with my homework or he held the door open for me, or I saw him give part of his lunch to somebody who had forgotten theirs,” that kind of thing. And helping them understand that even though somebody might seem cute, they may not be a nice person or may not do nice things. So really, if you know the people in your children’s lives, that helps a lot.

How to Talk to Kids About Modesty

Colleen: Yeah, that makes sense. Um, how can you—I think this actually kind of goes back to the pre-puberty stage—but talking to kids about modesty, how should that progress in a sense? What’s appropriate when they’re younger, and then how does that change when they get to be teens?

Susan Ciancio: Well, I think—and certainly when kids are younger—you go to stores, you go clothes shopping, and you help them pick out clothes. You can just lay that foundation like, “Well, this looks nice on you. Go try it out.” And then if a dress is too short, “Well, that’s too short. That one shows off too much of your leg. We don’t want to do that because that could allow people to see parts of your body that are not for them.”

So if you talk like that when they’re smaller, hopefully they’ll understand as they get older. But parents have the final word over what their children are buying and the clothes they’re buying. Most kids don’t have the money to go out and buy clothes until they get into the late teen years. So you just have to put your foot down sometimes and say, “Well, this isn’t an appropriate dress,” or “This shows too much,” or “These jeans are too small,” that kind of thing.

But you really want to help them not feel bad about it. You want to help them see the beauty in their bodies: “Let’s choose something that’s a little more tasteful, that shows off your body a little bit but doesn’t show too much skin. You’ve got a beautiful figure, you’ve got beautiful arms,” whatever. But we don’t want to show too much cleavage, that kind of thing.

Colleen: Yeah, I appreciated in your article how you brought that up—how girls are going to want to dress to appreciate guys and how it’s like, okay, here’s what’s appropriate to wear and what’s modest, but also here’s something that’s attractive. Teaching them the Audrey Hepburn appeal, where she’s still very clearly a woman, she’s not hiding in a sack, but at the same time, she’s dressing modestly and there’s something classy about that.

Susan Ciancio: Yeah, there are lots of beautiful dresses out there that girls can wear that show they have a nice figure, but don’t show all of their breast area. And then kids should be—I don’t want to say proud—but kids should be pleased with their bodies enough to say, “You know, I’ve got a dress that’s a little tighter.” Like you said, you don’t have to wear a sack. You can wear something a little more form-fitting without it being too revealing or inappropriate.

Colleen: Yeah, it kind of goes back to what we were saying about “your bodies are good” at the beginning, where there’s an element that is okay. Like, you want to be able to show off the figure God gave you, but not show it off in a way that’s sexually drawing a ton of attention to your body. Like that balance of, “I’m proud of being a woman, but I’m not just exposing everything.”

Susan Ciancio: Exactly. We don’t want kids to think that their gender is all about sex, because they’re more than a sexual human being,

Colleen: Mhm. Yeah, especially in a world that’s so mixed up about what is a woman and all that too. It’s important to be able to take pride in looking beautiful and feminine but not be super exposing everything.

Susan Ciancio: Yeah, absolutely. You want girls to feel good about themselves, and you want them to feel pretty in a dress or pretty in a pair of blue jeans and a shirt. You want them to feel good about their bodies and who they are.

Catholic Sex Education: Protecting Kids From Pornography

Colleen: One thing that you touched on in the article is pornography and protecting children from porn. So what advice would you have for parents to both protect their children from porn and then also prepare children so that if they are exposed to porn at some point, they can communicate that to the parents or navigate how confusing that would be?

Susan Ciancio: Yeah, that’s a tough one. First, I think parents have to monitor what their kids are looking at on the phones and computers. So, you set up parental guidelines, and there are lots of different sites you can use for that. Covenant Eyes, I think, is a really good one. I just learned recently that it even sends you an email every day of every site that everybody in the family looked at. So, not only are the kids accountable, but the parents are accountable too, because the kids can get that email.

So, you don’t have to approach your children and say, “Hey, mom and dad are going to know what you’re looking at.” It’s, “Hey, we’re all in this together.” You know, we’re in this world where so many things saturate our TVs and our computers and our phones, and we all want to be accountable to each other. So we’re going to do this as a family and just say it like that.

Tell them that you understand there are images out there that they could see, and you hope they would tell you if they encountered something. They may or may not.

Colleen: I think that goes back to the communication we were talking about before—just building that foundation and that relationship with your kids so hopefully they trust you enough to come to you when they see something maybe they shouldn’t see or are confused about, and aren’t afraid of you shaming them like, “Oh, how dare you find that,” etc.

Susan Ciancio: Yeah, and parents need to make sure they don’t react like that. But parents can also use good examples. I read—I say blessed is St. Carlo Acutis, since he’ll be a saint soon—he was so good about that kind of thing. When his friends would look at inappropriate pictures or would do anything against his faith, he was able to stand up and say, “Guys, this isn’t right. This isn’t the way we should act. Pornography is using a person and treating a person like a thing.”

He wasn’t embarrassed to talk to his friends. He wasn’t embarrassed to stand up for his faith. So that’s the kind of example we can give to kids. I think having them know about young saints who encountered some of the same things they did is really helpful.

Colleen: I didn’t know that about him. That’s honestly really hopeful, and I’m glad that kids can have that example now.

Susan Ciancio: Yeah, me too. He’s so wonderful. I just love him.

Colleen: I think it’s important too to have someone who had to navigate the age of the internet with kids nowadays because that’s something that’s just like—there’s nothing new under the sun—so it’s all the old temptations but just presented in a new way through a new tool. And I think kids having a saint that they can look to who had to navigate that as well is really important.

Susan Ciancio: Yeah, he was really good about practicing restraint with computer usage as well. You know, he loved video games and kids can resonate with that, but he only played one hour a week. And, you know, I’m sure most kids would be like, “Wow, only one hour a week? Oh my!” But you can explain his reasoning behind that and you can say, “Well, maybe instead of playing, you know, one hour a day, you can give one of those hours up and do something else. You know, do something for your siblings or play a game with, you know, with them or go outside or just, you know, give them some other options so that they’re not constantly online and being exposed to things.”

Colleen: Yeah, exactly. One thing that you had mentioned in the article was the importance of spending quality time with your kids, like separate from discussions about sexuality or things like that—just like spending quality time doing things with them. Why is that important to this conversation?

Susan Ciancio: Because it lets them know that you’re there. It allows them to have fun with you and to laugh with you. You know, my kids loved games and they still love games, and we probably have a hundred games in this house still, and they’re adults and they still love games. They come home and they want to play games, and it’s awesome. And we lie on the floor and we play whatever game they pull out. Every Christmas I would get them a new game—each of them a new game—just so that we’d have something different to do.

And, you know, it’s just fun. It’s a way to relax and decompress and you don’t have to talk about anything serious. You can just enjoy. And sometimes it’s a learning experience, you know, if you play a trivia game or sometimes, you know, there’s wacky word sentence games where you can all laugh together. And, you know, it’s just really a way for them to bond and to feel, you know, mom and dad are taking the time out of whatever they’re doing and they’re just focusing on me because I’m important to them. And that’s what they need to know—that mom and dad are here.

Colleen: It really seems like it would help with self-esteem. And then also, if every conversation you have or every time you spend time with your parents it’s some type of serious conversation—that just wouldn’t be good communication. It wouldn’t be really fun at all. So yeah, it would be like a big cloud hanging over you.

Susan Ciancio: Oh no, mom’s here again. What’s she going to talk about?

Colleen: Principal’s office. Well, Susan, this has been a really great conversation. Is there any other advice you’d like to give to any parents or audience members on this topic before we wrap up?

Susan Ciancio: Just making sure that your kids know that you love them and that you’re always going to be there for them. And if they do something that disappoints you, to not make them think that they disappointed you, but that their action disappointed you. Because that’s part of increasing their self-esteem and helping them love themselves. You don’t ever want them to feel unloved or that something they did could make you stop loving them. So, you know, talk about the things—if they’ve done something, talk about what they did, why they did it, and maybe it broke your trust, but tell them that they can earn it back or that you’re going to work on your relationship together and that you still love them. Kids need to understand that.

Colleen: Yeah, I love that. Also, like, as a parent, you’re a reflection of God the Father, and that’s how He treats us. Like, yes, there are sins that separate us from God, but it’s us doing it, and He’s always there waiting for us to return. It’s the prodigal son story.

Susan Ciancio: Exactly. And you can tell your kids that. Every day people sin, but God still welcomes them back and still loves us and still loves them no matter what. And that we have to work on strengthening that relationship. So, it’s also important to take your kids to confession and to make sure they’re receiving the sacraments and to let them see you go to confession because it’s important for them to know, “Hey, mom’s in the confessional right now. I wonder what she said.” You know, mom makes mistakes too.

And then also, you know, if ever you do something to hurt your child—maybe you snapped at them or maybe you didn’t believe them when they were telling the truth—own that. Say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” Just using those words and developing that relationship helps strengthen that bond and helps them see what they should look for in a spouse and how they can treat their own children. So, that’s important.

Colleen: I think adults being humble enough to apologize to children is so important because it’s such a great model for children. Like, they know when things happen. They know they got snapped at and maybe mom shouldn’t have done that. So when mom has the humility to say, “I’m sorry I did this,” it’s such a great model to them of how they should act in the future and how they should respond if they do something to hurt

Susan Ciancio: Yeah. I mean, a kid may think, “Well, mom never apologizes to me for the things she does. Why should I apologize?” It’s a two-way street and they understand that people make mistakes and that it’s what you do with those mistakes and how you try to improve your life after that that defines who you are.

Colleen: Exactly. Well, Susan, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. This has been a great conversation with so much helpful information. I’m sure our audience will really appreciate it.

Susan Ciancio: Oh, I hope so. Well, thank you for having me.

Colleen: No, thank you. And to all of our audience, I will link Susan’s article in the description so you can go read that. And as always, please like and subscribe and keep on living the culture of life. God bless.

(This transcript was AI generated. Please refer to the original audio to verify any content).