Walking with and Understanding Your Gender-Confused Child

Not knowing or loving yourself is one of the fiercest battles we face as human beings. Countless people suffer from low self-esteem, from self-doubt, and even from self-loathing.  

But what happens when these feelings are compounded by a lack of comfort or even a disgust about your sex organs? This is what people face when they experience gender dysphoria, and it’s incredibly confusing when it’s a child—especially when it’s your child.

What is Gender Dysphoria?

The American Psychiatric Association explains that gender dysphoria “refers to psychological distress that results from an incongruence between one’s sex assigned at birth and one’s gender identity.” 

It goes on to explain that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition Text Revision says this distress, which must be clinically significant, must last at least six months. Depending on the age of the person, it must also be manifested by a specific number of set criteria. These include, but are not limited to, a desire to be or be treated as the opposite sex, a desire to get rid of their primary or secondary sex characteristics, a dislike of their anatomy, or a belief that they have the feelings or reactions of the opposite gender.  

How prevalent is gender dysphoria? A 2022 New York Post article explained that it has “skyrocketed” in recent years. It goes on to explain, “Exact figures are difficult to come by, but, between 2009 and 2019, children being referred for transitioning treatment in the United Kingdom increased 1,000% among biological males and 4,400% among biological females. Meanwhile, the number of young people identifying as transgender in the US has almost doubled since 2017, according to a new Centers for Disease Control & Prevention report.”

What is Gender Identity?

According to the Healthy Children website, a person’s gender identity “refers to an internal sense . . . of who they are that comes from an interaction of biological traits, developmental influences and environmental conditions.” This typically develops in three stages. By approximately the age of two, children become aware that boys and girls are different from each other. By age three, most children know whether they are a boy or a girl. And then by age four, most children feel secure in their identity.  

Yet what happens when a child is not secure? What happens when a boy suddenly says he wants to be a girl or a girl suddenly says she wants to be a boy? This incongruence can be confusing for them and distressing for parents. 

However, we must understand that gender identity is predicated on feelings and on what you perceive you should feel as a biological male or female. These feelings have nothing to do with the biological reality of whether you are a male or female.  

As a society, we must teach our children that they do not have to conform to traditional gender roles when it comes to likes and dislikes. While traditionally little boys like trucks and little girls like dolls, there is nothing wrong with a little girl liking trucks and a little boy liking to play with dolls. This does not mean that anything is wrong with the child or that they were born in the wrong body. Yet many in society want kids to think the opposite.

What is Happening in Our Society to Make Kids Believe This?

Focus on the Family explains that “research on this issue is very limited, and even the ‘experts’ don’t understand everything that creates confusion and distress over gender identity.” Yet we do know that hormonal causes or chromosomal abnormalities can cause it, as can “defects in normal human bonding and child rearing.” 

The American Psychological Association explains that “many experts believe that biological factors such as genetic influences and prenatal hormone levels, early experiences, and experiences later in adolescence or adulthood may all contribute to the development of transgender identities.” 

But social influences also play a role, and in some schools parents have likened the prevalence to a contagion.  

For girls especially, navigating today’s social scene can be extremely difficult. Social media, TV shows, and Hollywood stars and influencers look “perfect” and stress bodily perfection. What happens then when young girls going through the changes of puberty look in the mirror? What happens to the “tomboys” of forty years ago—young girls who preferred to play sports over playing with dolls? Many are told they are ugly or in the wrong bodies. 

Stereotypes can affect boys as well. Many in our society want boys to be tough, to like sports, and to take part in traditionally male activities. But these things don’t make a man. Men can be mentally strong and like ballet, and they can prefer a good book over a football game.  

Preferences and likes do not dictate our gender, yet society often pigeonholes us into these gender stereotypes, telling us that we are “weird” if we don’t conform.  

When this happens, many children internalize these confused feelings. They feel like an outsider or an outcast, and they may even begin to hate their bodies. This negative self-esteem escalates into a self-loathing, and sometimes it leads to the misguided belief that they were born into the wrong body. 

So they seek solace from others with the same struggles, and they feel buoyed by the newfound acceptance. They begin to lose a sense of self as they now find themselves struggling to conform with others who mistakenly believe they are living in the wrong bodies. 

This is a story that has happened all too often across our country. In an article highlighting some heartbreaking stories about families torn apart and children mutilating their bodies because they want to live as the opposite sex, one mom, whose thirteen-year-old daughter is on the autism spectrum, said that her daughter got the idea that she was transgender “from a school presentation.” She went on to explain that at her daughter’s school, over five percent of the student population called themselves nonbinary or trans and that many were already taking puberty blockers. She stated: 

I took her to a gender clinician seeking expert guidance. Instead, he accepted her new identity and told me I must refer to my daughter with masculine pronouns, call her by a masculine name, and buy her a binder to flatten her breasts. He recommended no therapy, and there was no consideration of the social factors that obviously affected her thinking. I was directed to put her on puberty blocking drugs. I was falsely assured that these drugs were well-studied, and that they were a perfectly safe way for her to “explore gender.” I was told that if I did not comply, she would be at higher risk of suicide. 

Another mom said that her twenty-year-old daughter went to Planned Parenthood, and after a brief appointment they put her on hormones so she could transition into a male. Even after the woman’s husband contacted Planned Parenthood explaining that their daughter had mental health issues, they were rebuffed. PP responded that it presumes “anyone over eighteen is capable of giving informed consent.”

Another mom told the horrific story of how her sixteen-year-old gender-confused daughter ran away and reported her to the Department of Child Services because she would not acknowledge her as a boy. The mom explained:  

Although the Department investigated and found she was well cared for, they forced me to meet with a trans-identified person to “educate” me on these issues. Soon after, without my knowledge, a pediatric endocrinologist taught my daughter — a minor — to inject herself with testosterone. My daughter then ran away to Oregon where state law allowed her — at the age of seventeen, without my knowledge or consent — to change her name and legal gender in court, and to undergo a double mastectomy and a radical hysterectomy. . . . My once beautiful daughter is now nineteen years old, homeless, bearded, in extreme poverty, sterilized, not receiving mental health services, extremely mentally ill, and planning a radial forearm phalloplasty (a surgical procedure that removes part of her arm to construct a fake penis). 

These heartbreaking stories should cause us to take a step back and wonder who is truly looking out for the children in our society. It is not the teachers, it is not politicians, and often it is not child welfare services. In fact, a recent article by the Heritage Foundation found that “16 states . . . explicitly compel teachers to inculcate this ideology in students.” 

 Our children are facing perilous times. 

In a podcast interview with Trent Horn. Jason Evert, a Catholic author, speaker, and chastity expert, spoke of the dangers of transgenderism and the responsibility of parents. Evert addresses many issues, including the fact that children are easily swayed into believing they are trans. At one point, he talks about the predominance of girls with autism believing they are trans, saying, “42% of girls who identify as trans meet the criterion for an autism diagnosis and that’s a staggering percentage when only 1% of the population is autistic.” He explains: 

Autistic individuals often have very overly rigid thinking patterns. They tend to be a little bit socially awkward. They tend to communicate online more easily and with less anxiety than in person. And so, we’ve got these young girls perhaps going through that. Often, they’re not dating. They’re not holding a boy’s hand. They’re spending an exorbitant amount of time in private, on screens, on Twitter, on Instagram, on Tumblr, reading and watching these trans influencers. 

As parents, it is our job to care for our children—especially those with developmental or learning challenges—with compassion, with love, and with the truth about their bodies. Many of these children are easily swayed by social media, so we must remain vigilant as we help them navigate puberty. 

Yet we hear and must combat so many lies, including those regarding the potential for increased suicide risk if parents don’t allow their kids to transition.

The Suicide Myth

Contrary to what society wants us to believe, there is not a higher suicide risk associated with teens who cannot transition. According to Sex Matters, “The overwrought claims of suicide risk and actual suicide have been debunked over and over again, both by campaign groups like Transgender Trend and Fair Play For Women, and by journalists in the USA and the UK. Sex Matters’ factsheet builds on these with the evidence from the most recently published studies. These show that suicide among children is extremely rare, even among those with mental-health referrals.”  

Additionally, a North Dakota legislative document explains many of the myths about suicide and debunks them, saying that suicide among trans youth is “less than or comparable” to other at-risk youth, including those with anorexia, depression, and autism and that children with gender dysphoria also likely have these other diagnoses. This document goes on to claim that “puberty blockers actually cause depression and other emotional disturbances related to suicide” and that “cross-sex hormones disrupt mental health.” Finally, it says, “The most reliable research shows that in the long run, medical transition does not reduce and may even exacerbate the psychological distress that could lead to suicide.”  

So why is it that society wants us to believe that myth? I think it’s because they are too wrapped up in the “you do you” or “live and let live” mentality. As a culture, we have turned away from truth and goodness and have allowed feelings to take over. As most adults know, feelings are fleeting. The truth is unchanging. And it is the truth that we must constantly teach, in a loving way, to our children. 

How Does a Person Transition?

The truth is that a person cannot actually become the opposite sex, as the genes that make us male or female are in every cell in our bodies. Barring a chromosomal abnormality, this means our bones, our organs, our blood, and every aspect of our bodies is either male or female. 

That said, there are many ways that people can choose to live as the opposite sex. They can simply dress and live as the opposite sex, or they can take hormones to change their bodies so that they outwardly look more like the opposite sex. There are even surgeries that many undergo to remove or add genitalia or breasts. But none of these methods are safe. 

Puberty blockers, or artificial hormones, are extremely detrimental, and of course any surgery to alter your body not only has risks and extensive recovery time but goes against the very nature of being good and careful stewards of our bodies.  

Further, once a person begins taking these artificial hormones, they must stay on them indefinitely, unless they want to detransition. And those on these hormones face numerous health risks and dangers.

The American College of Pediatricians explains that puberty blockers may cause mental health issues, osteoporosis, sterility, mood disorders, and more. It goes on to say, “Many medical organizations around the world, including the Australian College of Physicians, the Royal College of General Practitioners in the United Kingdom, and the Swedish National Council for Medical Ethics have characterized these interventions in children as experimental and dangerous.” 

The government of England concurs, and it has recently banned puberty blockers for kids, saying, “This decision follows independent expert advice from the Commission on Human Medicines (CHM) that there is currently an unacceptable safety risk.” It explained that “findings were echoed in the Independent Review of Gender Identity Services for Children and Young People (the Cass Review), and accompanying systematic reviews, which found insufficient evidence to support the safety or clinical effectiveness of puberty blockers for adolescents.” 

This is good news for gender-confused children, and it allows them time to outgrow these feelings. 

Do Kids Outgrow Gender Dysphoria?

Yes, the majority of kids do grow out of it, and studies over the last several decades have illustrated this. Most recently, a 2024 study entitled “Development of Gender Non-Contentedness During Adolescence and Early Adulthood” followed 2,772 adolescents aged 11 through age 26 and found that “in early adolescence, 11% of participants reported gender non-contentedness. The prevalence decreased with age and was 4% at the last follow-up (around age 26).” It also found that “gender non-contentedness is most common around the age of 11 and that the prevalence decreases with age.”  

Further, as reported by the National Catholic Register, “Nearly two-thirds of children who had wished that they belonged to the opposite sex as adolescents ultimately became comfortable with their biological sex in early adulthood.” 

Regarding that study, Mary Rice Hasson, the director of the Person and Identity Project at the Ethics and Public Policy Center, explained, “A child who experiences discontent about his or her developing body, or the prospect of maturing into a woman or man, is overwhelmingly likely to outgrow those feelings, without intervention.”  

Patience, compassion, love, and understanding are keys to walking with your child as they experience these feelings.

Love and Walk with Your Child

What can you do if your child is confused about his or her gender? First, tell them that you love them while affirming their God-given dignity. Try to have peaceful and supportive conversations. This doesn’t mean that you support a choice to live as the opposite sex but that you support your child as a human being and as your child.  

Listen to their struggles and concerns. Let them know that you are there and that you will not walk away from them. Tell them that you are not angry, that you don’t hate them, and that you will never be embarrassed or ashamed by their struggles.  

Pray for them and pray with them. Talk to them about gender stereotypes and how they don’t need to fit into one or the other, that they are free to have their own likes and dislikes. Talk to them about the beauty of their bodies, about God’s love for them, and about how they can develop their personality in myriad ways. 

It is also incumbent on us as parents to monitor the time they spend on social media. The influence of many online personalities is often unhealthy and detrimental to their mental and spiritual well-being.  

Teach your kids to spend more time off their phones and Internet, to have healthy outlets, to read books, play sports, take up a musical instrument, participate in after-school activities, and so on. Play games as a family. Have frank conversations. Take trips and learn about life offline.

Find Trusted Help

Our children are immense gifts to us, and it is up to us as parents to care for them, to nurture them, and to help them love themselves. But we know that life is often messy and that children have their own minds, thoughts, and feelings. And sometimes we cannot help them on our own. 

If you need help talking to your child, find a trusted therapist who can help you walk with your child while affirming their biological sex. Courage International offers resources, local chapters, and online support for those suffering with gender dysphoria. Advocates Protecting Children offers resources. The American College of Pediatricians offers many resources and much advice about finding a therapist. Life Teen offers help and resources. And your local parish might be able to help you find local groups or a Catholic therapist. 

Our bodies were “wonderfully made” by God, and altering them with sex-change hormones or surgeries is not only wrong and misguided, but it will likely lead to further heartbreak. Our children’s negative feelings about their body will not be solved by mutilating their bodies; they will only be solved with love, compassion, time, and the help of those who truly care for them.